The Abyss - a revisit

Life has been very challenging the last 2 months - more than normal I guess.  Some of it is a "When it rains it pours" kind of thing and the other of it a colossal clusterf**k of medication screw ups.

My medication got messed up.  It's medication that has a high propensity to screw with one's self to the utmost degree.  It was a 6-week long ride down.  I hit rock bottom and I hit it hard.  I was finally able to get the mistakes corrected, but what was done wrong takes so, so very long to make right.  This is where insurance plays God and trying to correct the errors was painstaking.

I noticed I was more in trouble because this wasn't just a down.  I'd reached the point of not caring.  My response to everything, in my head or out loud, was "I don't care".  See, this is scary.  This is where the littlest thing can take me down.

My sister, brother in law and nephews (along with an ancient dog and 3 cats) stayed with us for almost 2 weeks.  I was so looking forward to it.  I loved having them here.  But I had to force it.  Not because I wasn't happy for having them, but because my mental and physical health wasn't there.  I feel bad because I think they felt I wasn't thrilled at them being with us and they couldn't be more wrong.  Was I stressed at having 3 adults, 2 teenagers, 2 children, 1 dog and 4 cats in my 975 sq. foot house?  Um, YES!  Did it work out - equally yes.  when they left, i felt so hollow inside - I've been  missing my family so much.

I finally felt I'd turned the corner the day before my birthday.  Just all of a sudden, I felt more normal, more balance and more able to deal. 

So, because this blog is primarily here for me, I am going to outline the issues so I can get a handle on them.

• I have 1 kid starting college and I don't know how to pay for it all and another starting 7th grade with equal concerns.
• I need a new refrigerator
• Our big TV is dying - a slow and painfully awkward death that is both sad and amusing at the same time
• Our sofa and recliner have been needing to be replaced for a good 3 years now
• My washer has intermittent issues with draining and leaking
• Both Lin and I need new mattresses
• Simone's car needs a new engine mount at about $ 300 and new rear brakes at about $ 250
• We had to buy a new printer

I find more and more that I am lonely.  It's good to get to the place that I can admit it.  I miss my family. I wish I had the ability to say, let's have a BBQ and everyone shows up at one or another of our homes.

Another issue is, and understanding that this will sound selfish, when is it my turn?  I have been wife for 11 years, single mom for 9 and mother for 18+ - when is it my turn to live life?  The weight of this is causing intermittent anxiety attacks. The knowledge that my parents are depending on me and only me to be their caretakers.  To drop everything in my life to do this.  It's not that I wouldn't, but I fear giving up who I am and being swamped by the needs of the other when it's not fair or healthy for either party. By the inability to juggle both equitably. And no one gets this. Even as I write this I can feel the pressure in my chest and the tears welling.    I have no idea what so ever what makes me always feel that I'm not deserving of what I want or need.  I wish to God I knew why and, not just why but how the hell do I fix it?  Why to a walk around treating everyone else better than myself?  

So, the sinking to the depths, as you can see, sucks.  I shouldn't be left alone and at the same time I don't want to be around people that I have to force myself to be engaged with.  It's not fair to them and not easy for me.

Now, for good things to end with.  Lindsey, my sweet little girl, planned a surprise birthday party for me.  To say I was surprised and touched would be an understatement!  That even more than 1 or 2 friends made the effort to come was beautiful.  Then Simone, getting so grown up, paid to have my hair done - knowing (in all her 18 year old wisdom) that looking better makes one feel better - all too true.  I was taken to dinner for my birthday by someone I care very much for and got phone calls from all my family.  It helped. It saved me.

So I end this part of the journey with the hope and prayer that I make no more visits to the pits and depths of hell.  I don't want to anymore.  And that happens doesn't just stay a corner away but presents itself in my life fully and completely.  Now.  Please.

Abyss

I wanted to openly share about some of my struggles but realized that there are those that simply don't understand what it's like to be me would take what I wrote and either consciously or subconsciously hold it against me ( I mean in bias form).  So, to keep it simple but knowing I will remember what I was talking about, I will say that my last trip in to the abyss was longer, deeper and darker than it has been in a long time and it's so very hard to not have anyone I can talk to about it.  It took a long time to dig out of this one.   And when I'm surrounded by people who are so normal it can be harder.  I think it's time to find someone to talk about because I don't think I can do this by myself anymore.  And it hurts to fail at that too.

Friendship

So, I have a friend that I've known since the 7th grade.  We had our ups and downs but always stuck it through and managed to work things out.  This person was like a sister to me.  She was family.  My family treated her like their own.    We always hung out together.   People referred to us as a set.

One day, something went wrong.  Things were done that required time to reconsider said friendship and to determine if forgiveness could be given.  It was a long road.  It took a long time to consider trying to move forward.  To forgive if not to forget.  To try to put the relationship back together.

I made the decision, against the advice of most of my family and friends, to work on putting this friendship back together again.  I made attempts to email.  To meet up for dinner or drinks; maybe a movie.  Many times the meetings were difficult and stilted, making me question if I was ready to do this or if I would ever be able to make this work again.  But I continued to try.  Things weren't the same and likely never will be due to the trust that was broken. 

My friend was upset over what she'd done.  She apologized many times.  She felt miserable.  But in the back of my mind I questioned how truly sorry she was.  She only admitted wrong doing after continued prodding and, honestly, me playing dumb because I knew she'd done what I thought.  Had I not set her up for the confrontation would she ever have confessed?

Each time we got together, this was in the back of my mind.  Perhaps unfairly.  She would send me emails stating how much she missed me and our friendship.  How bad she felt over the mistake she made - it was afterall a mistake, just a stupid stupid mistake. I would apologize, tell her how sorry I was for making her feel bad.  For not making more of an effort to get together. 

Then I noticed a pattern of behavior.  Every couple of months I would get basically the same email.  "Our friendship isn't the same.  I miss hanging out with you and talking on the phone.  I don't know why you can't get over this and move on"  And each time I would think "but I am getting over it.  I am trying to schedule things with you". I had not pushed her aside when I was dating someone special.  But in between her new marriage, being completely involved with her new husband and all the drama that entailed (and boy are we talking drama!) she had not time for our get togethers.  I dropped everything on the one and only New Year's Eve I had with the man I was seeing to go pick her and her husband up after his daughter flaked and didn't. If I didn't care would I have done that?    I spent so much time talking and emailing advice on how to deal with new husband's children, issues, choices, etc.  Always trying to be supportive.  And still, I was being accused of not trying.  Every couple of months.  I started paying attention. I got tired of apologizing.  I got tired of feeling bad for something I shouldn't have to feel bad about - I had not done wrong.  I had made a huge effort.  My own mother, who loved this girl, wanted nothing more to do with her.  She never ever wants to have any contact with her again over what happened.  Yet, she was family - how could I just cut her out of my life?  Then I was having a talk with someone today and I was explaining how I felt that you can't pick family, but even family sometimes needs to be cut out of your life when they bring you down, are questionable in their actions or behaviors or just suck.  Then I got the email thing again.  I had set up for us to meet and hang out, have some fun.  She misread my doing what I'd planned with others as a direct insult to her.  So I got an email stating she'd suddenly realized she had other plans for the night we were going to hang out.  Well, I gotta say I was pretty peeved.  It was childish on both sides, I suppose.  But it is what it is.  On came the you never make time, your other friends are more important and why can't you forgive email.  Well, I was hurt.  Simple and true.  What had I f'ing done?  WHAT?  Why am I the one always, always, always apologizing?  Why is it I am having to defend myself and my life constantly? WHY?   Then, after I made the statement about family to someone else, it hit me.  Maybe this is the family that doesn't work anymore?  Am I struggling to cling to something that no longer exists and maybe never will again?

So, on my journey to finding Pixie, I have determined that I will no longer apologize.  I love my friend and I am almost certain I always will.  But I no longer can allow myself to be pulled down into the abyss.  I feel bad.  I know this will hurt her.  But I have to take care of me.  If this friendship were to continue in any manner, she's going to have to make some serious effort.  Take some serious ownership that does not include the oft refrain of "why don't you..."  I foresee a problem in that she truly, truly does not see what she's doing.  She does not see it at all.  She truly sees that she is the victim in this whole charade.

So again I say that I will no longer continue to apologize.  I will move ahead, with or without her.  I would like it to be with her as my friend, but I don't know that she can accomplish that.  I will mourn some.  I think I can allow myself that.  And then, it will have to be done.  No more "sorry".  No more.

Wish me luck in this really, really challenging portion of my ongoing journey to find myself.

The month of January

January is all but over and I survived but not without a few bumps and bruises along the way.  There was the nasty cell phone bill and car problems. Stress that my paychecks are smaller partly due to increases in insurance premiums and that things are getting tight enough to really start being a problem and oh yeah - college coming up.

I got a head start on my taxes and for the first time in 8 (?) years I owe the feds - I don't know how, but apparently I do.  I don't know where I'm getting that money from, but they want it.  I figure I'll just wait to file that one. :-) I had hoped to use that money for our family vacation.  Guess not.  It may be time to figure out how I'm going to work in a second job and plan on never being able to see my kids.  I'm actually so upset about that right now that I haven't talked to anyone but the kids - to let them know what I'm going to have to do.  I feel like a failure.  No excuses.  No explanations.  It just is.

I don't like where I find myself but don't know how to fix it.  My life was never supposed to turn out this way.  I was supposed to have a doting husband taking care of me and my girls.  I'd have finished school and be doing something meaningful.  Instead I feel so incredibly lost and this would be part of the reason I haven't posted anything in a while. I know things are going to work out.  I know they will.  For now, however, I just need to get through and I'm not really sure how.

Journey

The journey to finding myself is not going to be as easy as I'd hoped. But then again, where would the challenge be if it were?  Stopping to think about who and what I am, where I am and where I want to be- how do I do that when so much of my energy is focused on my kids and just getting from one day to the next?

Every time I think I can stop and focus... something else comes up.  There are more times than not when the weight of the world is so very heavy on my shoulders because I can't do everything.  I don't think anyone fully understands how much it weighs for someone like me.  How much of a struggle it is to get through a simple day knowing I'm not making a dent.  I think I need to realize that I can't be or do everything.  That I can't give everything.  That I can only give what I can and what I have.  I just don't know how.  I know I'm not a special case.  I know there are many women like me, walking in the same shoes.  I know too that there are so many women out there in much worse situations and it's saddening.    

What do I want to do with my life?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  It's simple and difficult all at once.  I just want to be happy.  What makes me happy?  I'm not sure I really know and that's why I'm here. The rest, well, we'll continue down the road and see what comes up.  For now, I think I will start by saying "no".  I am going to work on saying "no" to doing things I really don't want to and not worry that I will offend someone because I choose to make my time my own.  I will say "no" to my kids when they ask for something unreasonable or unnecessary.  I will say "no" and not feel guilty (I have to laugh out loud at this one.  Me?  Not feel guilty?  REALLY??).   I will say "no" to the girl that asks "are you sure you don't want fries with that?" NO!

I already feel better.  I think now I can go to bed with some small sense of accomplishment that I have a solid first step in finding myself.  Perhaps by letting go of the guilt of saying "no" I can then find what truly makes me happy.  I have to say I'm excited at this!!  Yay me!

Damn Cell Phones

OK, so for Christmas me and my two girls got new cell phones.  I knew they'd be expensive but they had all kinds of deals and my brother was helping as a gift to his nieces.  That said, when the bill for $ 799.66 arrived, well it would be easy to say that the heart attack I had should have landed me in the hospital but clearly I cannot afford to miss work or pay a deductible right now.  Are they freaking kidding me?  I've sent 2 emails so far and have had responses but somehow, somewhere there's no "real" explanation.  I get the sales tax explanation (well, even if the 2nd phone is free you have to pay tax on it), but why is it still $ 100.00???  To me, that's not free.  Does that equal "Free" to anyone else?  Then we were told we'd be charged $ 29.99 total for the unlimited web/Droid/phone access crap. Now, I'm being told "Oops, so sorry that was wrong info, it doesn't work that way".  WTF?  Then, I'm being charged for overage fees and usage fees for things that should be covered ( like unlimited text and not using all our minutes for the month).  I think these people are on crack.  I've been a psychotic mess since I got the bill.  I think that's a fair description.  How do I fix the crack and the people on it????

So, ultimately, it's my responsibility.  Can't cancel because that would add another, what, $ 1,000 to the bill?  I got lured in by the pretty-shinies.  So now, the money I'd hoped to use for a new couch will be sent to the crap assed people at Verizon.  The ones who do not take ownership for the misleading information and lies their sales associates tell. ARGH

Feelings

As a woman, I am made up of feelings.  As the woman I am, I am cursed by an overabundance of feelings.  They are not always rational.  Not always fair.  Not always kind.  But they are there.  Regardless.

I am not good at feelings.  I get hurt too easily.  At some real or perceived wrong, I get hurt and I carry it deeply, in my heart and soul.  I have joyous and happy feelings too, don't get me wrong.  But the hurtful ones, well - they hurt.

Being hurt by those you love can leave an everlasting mark on your life.  I have been hurt by those closest to me.  Family.  Friends.  Lovers. 

Here's the crux of it and why feelings are my curse; because I care about others. I care too much.  And so many times this has led to being taken advantage of, being lied to, being misled or mistreated, being treated callously without thought or consideration to the outcome or effect.  And all of this leads to what?  Hurt feelings - that's what.

I know this is my weakness.  I have tried so many times to "rise above it".  I've heard, so many times, "Let it go", "You're better than that" and my favorite, "Why do you let it/them/they bother you?"  If only it were so simple.  I always say that I will try to not let it bother me.  I won't let it get to me. I mean well but it hasn't worked yet.  I've gotten better at it over the years but not good enough.

For 2010, I will continue to search for a way to handle my feelings more constructively.  To not create monsters out of them and to not let others, hopefully innocent but still hurtful, behavior get to me.

So on this note, I head out to finish up my day.  Willing myself to handle my feelings better.  To not let my friends or family hurt me and to "let it go".  I'm sure I'll come back to this subject, but for now - just wish me luck!

Movies

So, today my youngest and I went to the movies to see Little Fockers (it made us laugh :-).  And, anyone who knows me realizes that when I go to the movies I must have popcorn. Not popcorn that's been hidden in my purse and snuck in to the theater.  This has to be movie popcorn. With butter.  And fresh, not leftover from the night before and I don't mind making that clear.  But I digress. 

There are so many people that simply cannot go to the movies.  To enjoy the couple of hours of escapism that it provides.  For me, I tend to enjoy comedies, romantic comedies, action flicks and a good thriller.  I do not like horror movies or ones with a lot of gore.  I simply do not enjoy them so I'll leave them to those that do.  I've noticed that in the last 2 years I've spent more time, and enjoyable time, watching kids movies.  You know, the ones that are animated but the humor is more on the adult level (sometimes they can even make me cry.  Like the movie UP). 

It's not cheap to go to the movies, especially when you compare that to Red Box or Netflix, etc.  If you catch the first movie of the day, like we did today, it costs much less.  If you go after 6:00 PM then be prepared to pay over $ 10.00 to watch your movie and I just don't want to do that. I have, but I didn't like it!  Today we paid $ 5.50 per person as opposed to the $10.25 normal cost.  Doing this helped me justify my insatiable love of movie popcorn (as mentioned above). 

In this day and age, it's a must to be able to balance your joys with the costs.  I mean I still want to see movies, but since it's so expensive, now I'm more conscious of when, where and the potential cost.  And it sucks.  Let's be honest, it really does.  This kind of stuff is sucking the fun out of life, one bit at a time.  And just when I'm about to have a pity party at not being able to go to a movie I realize that I'm truly lucky. Especially when one thinks of how many people don't have this luxury, for whatever reason.  So I admit that I am grateful for movies (and all that they encompass), even if it does sound a little silly.

New Year's 2011

Finding Pixie.  Pixie is me.  This is what my great-grandmother used to call me as a child, pixie girl.  I like it because it makes me think of her and it sometimes identifies how I feel in this big world - small.

So, it's both a new year and a new decade - must be time for some New Year's resolutions too.  I've been making resolutions, and mostly keeping them, for a few years now.  I've quit home parties (such as Partylite and Pampered Chef), not gained weight (hey, you've got to start somewhere) and the hardest of them all - following my happiness.  

My Happiness Project was a tough one.  To be honest, I lean towards pessimissm.  I guess I'm a positive pessimist vs. a negative one, if that even makes sense.  This year, I will continue my Happiness Project with the help of my friend Sarah.  We will be posting 1 item that we are each grateful for, each day on Facebook.  Why FB?  It's so visual.  It's so connected.  It's sometimes unforgivable and it will keep me committed.

Another resolution I will be continuing to work on is not letting my ex-husband stress me out.  This means not talking about him.  Not letting him in to my head when he complains about his problems and his life to me.  I will tune him out and/or politely change the subject.  I did pretty good with this one until the Holidays, so I'm back on that wagon now.  Enough said.


My biggest, and to me most important, resolution is to find myself.  Finding Pixie will be my journey in to realizing what makes me happy, what I want out of the rest of my life and, whenever possible, how I am making those things happen.  It's vital.  It's necessary.  It must be. And it's going to be a fun, crazy, wonderful ride.