Feelings

As a woman, I am made up of feelings.  As the woman I am, I am cursed by an overabundance of feelings.  They are not always rational.  Not always fair.  Not always kind.  But they are there.  Regardless.

I am not good at feelings.  I get hurt too easily.  At some real or perceived wrong, I get hurt and I carry it deeply, in my heart and soul.  I have joyous and happy feelings too, don't get me wrong.  But the hurtful ones, well - they hurt.

Being hurt by those you love can leave an everlasting mark on your life.  I have been hurt by those closest to me.  Family.  Friends.  Lovers. 

Here's the crux of it and why feelings are my curse; because I care about others. I care too much.  And so many times this has led to being taken advantage of, being lied to, being misled or mistreated, being treated callously without thought or consideration to the outcome or effect.  And all of this leads to what?  Hurt feelings - that's what.

I know this is my weakness.  I have tried so many times to "rise above it".  I've heard, so many times, "Let it go", "You're better than that" and my favorite, "Why do you let it/them/they bother you?"  If only it were so simple.  I always say that I will try to not let it bother me.  I won't let it get to me. I mean well but it hasn't worked yet.  I've gotten better at it over the years but not good enough.

For 2010, I will continue to search for a way to handle my feelings more constructively.  To not create monsters out of them and to not let others, hopefully innocent but still hurtful, behavior get to me.

So on this note, I head out to finish up my day.  Willing myself to handle my feelings better.  To not let my friends or family hurt me and to "let it go".  I'm sure I'll come back to this subject, but for now - just wish me luck!