Journey

The journey to finding myself is not going to be as easy as I'd hoped. But then again, where would the challenge be if it were?  Stopping to think about who and what I am, where I am and where I want to be- how do I do that when so much of my energy is focused on my kids and just getting from one day to the next?

Every time I think I can stop and focus... something else comes up.  There are more times than not when the weight of the world is so very heavy on my shoulders because I can't do everything.  I don't think anyone fully understands how much it weighs for someone like me.  How much of a struggle it is to get through a simple day knowing I'm not making a dent.  I think I need to realize that I can't be or do everything.  That I can't give everything.  That I can only give what I can and what I have.  I just don't know how.  I know I'm not a special case.  I know there are many women like me, walking in the same shoes.  I know too that there are so many women out there in much worse situations and it's saddening.    

What do I want to do with my life?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  It's simple and difficult all at once.  I just want to be happy.  What makes me happy?  I'm not sure I really know and that's why I'm here. The rest, well, we'll continue down the road and see what comes up.  For now, I think I will start by saying "no".  I am going to work on saying "no" to doing things I really don't want to and not worry that I will offend someone because I choose to make my time my own.  I will say "no" to my kids when they ask for something unreasonable or unnecessary.  I will say "no" and not feel guilty (I have to laugh out loud at this one.  Me?  Not feel guilty?  REALLY??).   I will say "no" to the girl that asks "are you sure you don't want fries with that?" NO!

I already feel better.  I think now I can go to bed with some small sense of accomplishment that I have a solid first step in finding myself.  Perhaps by letting go of the guilt of saying "no" I can then find what truly makes me happy.  I have to say I'm excited at this!!  Yay me!