The month of January

January is all but over and I survived but not without a few bumps and bruises along the way.  There was the nasty cell phone bill and car problems. Stress that my paychecks are smaller partly due to increases in insurance premiums and that things are getting tight enough to really start being a problem and oh yeah - college coming up.

I got a head start on my taxes and for the first time in 8 (?) years I owe the feds - I don't know how, but apparently I do.  I don't know where I'm getting that money from, but they want it.  I figure I'll just wait to file that one. :-) I had hoped to use that money for our family vacation.  Guess not.  It may be time to figure out how I'm going to work in a second job and plan on never being able to see my kids.  I'm actually so upset about that right now that I haven't talked to anyone but the kids - to let them know what I'm going to have to do.  I feel like a failure.  No excuses.  No explanations.  It just is.

I don't like where I find myself but don't know how to fix it.  My life was never supposed to turn out this way.  I was supposed to have a doting husband taking care of me and my girls.  I'd have finished school and be doing something meaningful.  Instead I feel so incredibly lost and this would be part of the reason I haven't posted anything in a while. I know things are going to work out.  I know they will.  For now, however, I just need to get through and I'm not really sure how.

Journey

The journey to finding myself is not going to be as easy as I'd hoped. But then again, where would the challenge be if it were?  Stopping to think about who and what I am, where I am and where I want to be- how do I do that when so much of my energy is focused on my kids and just getting from one day to the next?

Every time I think I can stop and focus... something else comes up.  There are more times than not when the weight of the world is so very heavy on my shoulders because I can't do everything.  I don't think anyone fully understands how much it weighs for someone like me.  How much of a struggle it is to get through a simple day knowing I'm not making a dent.  I think I need to realize that I can't be or do everything.  That I can't give everything.  That I can only give what I can and what I have.  I just don't know how.  I know I'm not a special case.  I know there are many women like me, walking in the same shoes.  I know too that there are so many women out there in much worse situations and it's saddening.    

What do I want to do with my life?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  It's simple and difficult all at once.  I just want to be happy.  What makes me happy?  I'm not sure I really know and that's why I'm here. The rest, well, we'll continue down the road and see what comes up.  For now, I think I will start by saying "no".  I am going to work on saying "no" to doing things I really don't want to and not worry that I will offend someone because I choose to make my time my own.  I will say "no" to my kids when they ask for something unreasonable or unnecessary.  I will say "no" and not feel guilty (I have to laugh out loud at this one.  Me?  Not feel guilty?  REALLY??).   I will say "no" to the girl that asks "are you sure you don't want fries with that?" NO!

I already feel better.  I think now I can go to bed with some small sense of accomplishment that I have a solid first step in finding myself.  Perhaps by letting go of the guilt of saying "no" I can then find what truly makes me happy.  I have to say I'm excited at this!!  Yay me!

Damn Cell Phones

OK, so for Christmas me and my two girls got new cell phones.  I knew they'd be expensive but they had all kinds of deals and my brother was helping as a gift to his nieces.  That said, when the bill for $ 799.66 arrived, well it would be easy to say that the heart attack I had should have landed me in the hospital but clearly I cannot afford to miss work or pay a deductible right now.  Are they freaking kidding me?  I've sent 2 emails so far and have had responses but somehow, somewhere there's no "real" explanation.  I get the sales tax explanation (well, even if the 2nd phone is free you have to pay tax on it), but why is it still $ 100.00???  To me, that's not free.  Does that equal "Free" to anyone else?  Then we were told we'd be charged $ 29.99 total for the unlimited web/Droid/phone access crap. Now, I'm being told "Oops, so sorry that was wrong info, it doesn't work that way".  WTF?  Then, I'm being charged for overage fees and usage fees for things that should be covered ( like unlimited text and not using all our minutes for the month).  I think these people are on crack.  I've been a psychotic mess since I got the bill.  I think that's a fair description.  How do I fix the crack and the people on it????

So, ultimately, it's my responsibility.  Can't cancel because that would add another, what, $ 1,000 to the bill?  I got lured in by the pretty-shinies.  So now, the money I'd hoped to use for a new couch will be sent to the crap assed people at Verizon.  The ones who do not take ownership for the misleading information and lies their sales associates tell. ARGH

Feelings

As a woman, I am made up of feelings.  As the woman I am, I am cursed by an overabundance of feelings.  They are not always rational.  Not always fair.  Not always kind.  But they are there.  Regardless.

I am not good at feelings.  I get hurt too easily.  At some real or perceived wrong, I get hurt and I carry it deeply, in my heart and soul.  I have joyous and happy feelings too, don't get me wrong.  But the hurtful ones, well - they hurt.

Being hurt by those you love can leave an everlasting mark on your life.  I have been hurt by those closest to me.  Family.  Friends.  Lovers. 

Here's the crux of it and why feelings are my curse; because I care about others. I care too much.  And so many times this has led to being taken advantage of, being lied to, being misled or mistreated, being treated callously without thought or consideration to the outcome or effect.  And all of this leads to what?  Hurt feelings - that's what.

I know this is my weakness.  I have tried so many times to "rise above it".  I've heard, so many times, "Let it go", "You're better than that" and my favorite, "Why do you let it/them/they bother you?"  If only it were so simple.  I always say that I will try to not let it bother me.  I won't let it get to me. I mean well but it hasn't worked yet.  I've gotten better at it over the years but not good enough.

For 2010, I will continue to search for a way to handle my feelings more constructively.  To not create monsters out of them and to not let others, hopefully innocent but still hurtful, behavior get to me.

So on this note, I head out to finish up my day.  Willing myself to handle my feelings better.  To not let my friends or family hurt me and to "let it go".  I'm sure I'll come back to this subject, but for now - just wish me luck!

Movies

So, today my youngest and I went to the movies to see Little Fockers (it made us laugh :-).  And, anyone who knows me realizes that when I go to the movies I must have popcorn. Not popcorn that's been hidden in my purse and snuck in to the theater.  This has to be movie popcorn. With butter.  And fresh, not leftover from the night before and I don't mind making that clear.  But I digress. 

There are so many people that simply cannot go to the movies.  To enjoy the couple of hours of escapism that it provides.  For me, I tend to enjoy comedies, romantic comedies, action flicks and a good thriller.  I do not like horror movies or ones with a lot of gore.  I simply do not enjoy them so I'll leave them to those that do.  I've noticed that in the last 2 years I've spent more time, and enjoyable time, watching kids movies.  You know, the ones that are animated but the humor is more on the adult level (sometimes they can even make me cry.  Like the movie UP). 

It's not cheap to go to the movies, especially when you compare that to Red Box or Netflix, etc.  If you catch the first movie of the day, like we did today, it costs much less.  If you go after 6:00 PM then be prepared to pay over $ 10.00 to watch your movie and I just don't want to do that. I have, but I didn't like it!  Today we paid $ 5.50 per person as opposed to the $10.25 normal cost.  Doing this helped me justify my insatiable love of movie popcorn (as mentioned above). 

In this day and age, it's a must to be able to balance your joys with the costs.  I mean I still want to see movies, but since it's so expensive, now I'm more conscious of when, where and the potential cost.  And it sucks.  Let's be honest, it really does.  This kind of stuff is sucking the fun out of life, one bit at a time.  And just when I'm about to have a pity party at not being able to go to a movie I realize that I'm truly lucky. Especially when one thinks of how many people don't have this luxury, for whatever reason.  So I admit that I am grateful for movies (and all that they encompass), even if it does sound a little silly.

New Year's 2011

Finding Pixie.  Pixie is me.  This is what my great-grandmother used to call me as a child, pixie girl.  I like it because it makes me think of her and it sometimes identifies how I feel in this big world - small.

So, it's both a new year and a new decade - must be time for some New Year's resolutions too.  I've been making resolutions, and mostly keeping them, for a few years now.  I've quit home parties (such as Partylite and Pampered Chef), not gained weight (hey, you've got to start somewhere) and the hardest of them all - following my happiness.  

My Happiness Project was a tough one.  To be honest, I lean towards pessimissm.  I guess I'm a positive pessimist vs. a negative one, if that even makes sense.  This year, I will continue my Happiness Project with the help of my friend Sarah.  We will be posting 1 item that we are each grateful for, each day on Facebook.  Why FB?  It's so visual.  It's so connected.  It's sometimes unforgivable and it will keep me committed.

Another resolution I will be continuing to work on is not letting my ex-husband stress me out.  This means not talking about him.  Not letting him in to my head when he complains about his problems and his life to me.  I will tune him out and/or politely change the subject.  I did pretty good with this one until the Holidays, so I'm back on that wagon now.  Enough said.


My biggest, and to me most important, resolution is to find myself.  Finding Pixie will be my journey in to realizing what makes me happy, what I want out of the rest of my life and, whenever possible, how I am making those things happen.  It's vital.  It's necessary.  It must be. And it's going to be a fun, crazy, wonderful ride.