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My medication got messed up. It's medication that has a high propensity to screw with one's self to the utmost degree. It was a 6-week long ride down. I hit rock bottom and I hit it hard. I was finally able to get the mistakes corrected, but what was done wrong takes so, so very long to make right. This is where insurance plays God and trying to correct the errors was painstaking.
I noticed I was more in trouble because this wasn't just a down. I'd reached the point of not caring. My response to everything, in my head or out loud, was "I don't care". See, this is scary. This is where the littlest thing can take me down.
My sister, brother in law and nephews (along with an ancient dog and 3 cats) stayed with us for almost 2 weeks. I was so looking forward to it. I loved having them here. But I had to force it. Not because I wasn't happy for having them, but because my mental and physical health wasn't there. I feel bad because I think they felt I wasn't thrilled at them being with us and they couldn't be more wrong. Was I stressed at having 3 adults, 2 teenagers, 2 children, 1 dog and 4 cats in my 975 sq. foot house? Um, YES! Did it work out - equally yes. when they left, i felt so hollow inside - I've been missing my family so much.
I finally felt I'd turned the corner the day before my birthday. Just all of a sudden, I felt more normal, more balance and more able to deal.
So, because this blog is primarily here for me, I am going to outline the issues so I can get a handle on them.
- I have 1 kid starting college and I don't know how to pay for it all and another starting 7th grade with equal concerns.
- I need a new refrigerator
- Our big TV is dying - a slow and painfully awkward death that is both sad and amusing at the same time
- Our sofa and recliner have been needing to be replaced for a good 3 years now
- My washer has intermittent issues with draining and leaking
- Both Lin and I need new mattresses
- Simone's car needs a new engine mount at about $ 300 and new rear brakes at about $ 250
- We had to buy a new printer
Another issue is, and understanding that this will sound selfish, when is it my turn? I have been wife for 11 years, single mom for 9 and mother for 18+ - when is it my turn to live life? The weight of this is causing intermittent anxiety attacks. The knowledge that my parents are depending on me and only me to be their caretakers. To drop everything in my life to do this. It's not that I wouldn't, but I fear giving up who I am and being swamped by the needs of the other when it's not fair or healthy for either party. By the inability to juggle both equitably. And no one gets this. Even as I write this I can feel the pressure in my chest and the tears welling. I have no idea what so ever what makes me always feel that I'm not deserving of what I want or need. I wish to God I knew why and, not just why but how the hell do I fix it? Why to a walk around treating everyone else better than myself?
So, the sinking to the depths, as you can see, sucks. I shouldn't be left alone and at the same time I don't want to be around people that I have to force myself to be engaged with. It's not fair to them and not easy for me.
Now, for good things to end with. Lindsey, my sweet little girl, planned a surprise birthday party for me. To say I was surprised and touched would be an understatement! That even more than 1 or 2 friends made the effort to come was beautiful. Then Simone, getting so grown up, paid to have my hair done - knowing (in all her 18 year old wisdom) that looking better makes one feel better - all too true. I was taken to dinner for my birthday by someone I care very much for and got phone calls from all my family. It helped. It saved me.
So I end this part of the journey with the hope and prayer that I make no more visits to the pits and depths of hell. I don't want to anymore. And that happens doesn't just stay a corner away but presents itself in my life fully and completely. Now. Please.
