Friendship

So, I have a friend that I've known since the 7th grade.  We had our ups and downs but always stuck it through and managed to work things out.  This person was like a sister to me.  She was family.  My family treated her like their own.    We always hung out together.   People referred to us as a set.

One day, something went wrong.  Things were done that required time to reconsider said friendship and to determine if forgiveness could be given.  It was a long road.  It took a long time to consider trying to move forward.  To forgive if not to forget.  To try to put the relationship back together.

I made the decision, against the advice of most of my family and friends, to work on putting this friendship back together again.  I made attempts to email.  To meet up for dinner or drinks; maybe a movie.  Many times the meetings were difficult and stilted, making me question if I was ready to do this or if I would ever be able to make this work again.  But I continued to try.  Things weren't the same and likely never will be due to the trust that was broken. 

My friend was upset over what she'd done.  She apologized many times.  She felt miserable.  But in the back of my mind I questioned how truly sorry she was.  She only admitted wrong doing after continued prodding and, honestly, me playing dumb because I knew she'd done what I thought.  Had I not set her up for the confrontation would she ever have confessed?

Each time we got together, this was in the back of my mind.  Perhaps unfairly.  She would send me emails stating how much she missed me and our friendship.  How bad she felt over the mistake she made - it was afterall a mistake, just a stupid stupid mistake. I would apologize, tell her how sorry I was for making her feel bad.  For not making more of an effort to get together. 

Then I noticed a pattern of behavior.  Every couple of months I would get basically the same email.  "Our friendship isn't the same.  I miss hanging out with you and talking on the phone.  I don't know why you can't get over this and move on"  And each time I would think "but I am getting over it.  I am trying to schedule things with you". I had not pushed her aside when I was dating someone special.  But in between her new marriage, being completely involved with her new husband and all the drama that entailed (and boy are we talking drama!) she had not time for our get togethers.  I dropped everything on the one and only New Year's Eve I had with the man I was seeing to go pick her and her husband up after his daughter flaked and didn't. If I didn't care would I have done that?    I spent so much time talking and emailing advice on how to deal with new husband's children, issues, choices, etc.  Always trying to be supportive.  And still, I was being accused of not trying.  Every couple of months.  I started paying attention. I got tired of apologizing.  I got tired of feeling bad for something I shouldn't have to feel bad about - I had not done wrong.  I had made a huge effort.  My own mother, who loved this girl, wanted nothing more to do with her.  She never ever wants to have any contact with her again over what happened.  Yet, she was family - how could I just cut her out of my life?  Then I was having a talk with someone today and I was explaining how I felt that you can't pick family, but even family sometimes needs to be cut out of your life when they bring you down, are questionable in their actions or behaviors or just suck.  Then I got the email thing again.  I had set up for us to meet and hang out, have some fun.  She misread my doing what I'd planned with others as a direct insult to her.  So I got an email stating she'd suddenly realized she had other plans for the night we were going to hang out.  Well, I gotta say I was pretty peeved.  It was childish on both sides, I suppose.  But it is what it is.  On came the you never make time, your other friends are more important and why can't you forgive email.  Well, I was hurt.  Simple and true.  What had I f'ing done?  WHAT?  Why am I the one always, always, always apologizing?  Why is it I am having to defend myself and my life constantly? WHY?   Then, after I made the statement about family to someone else, it hit me.  Maybe this is the family that doesn't work anymore?  Am I struggling to cling to something that no longer exists and maybe never will again?

So, on my journey to finding Pixie, I have determined that I will no longer apologize.  I love my friend and I am almost certain I always will.  But I no longer can allow myself to be pulled down into the abyss.  I feel bad.  I know this will hurt her.  But I have to take care of me.  If this friendship were to continue in any manner, she's going to have to make some serious effort.  Take some serious ownership that does not include the oft refrain of "why don't you..."  I foresee a problem in that she truly, truly does not see what she's doing.  She does not see it at all.  She truly sees that she is the victim in this whole charade.

So again I say that I will no longer continue to apologize.  I will move ahead, with or without her.  I would like it to be with her as my friend, but I don't know that she can accomplish that.  I will mourn some.  I think I can allow myself that.  And then, it will have to be done.  No more "sorry".  No more.

Wish me luck in this really, really challenging portion of my ongoing journey to find myself.